Duct Tape Stories
Back in a Lesser Day, I tried my damndest to keep up an account under the moniker Duct Tape, but the Powers That Be kept erasing it, causing me to lose 200 or so new-found friends (right up there with myspace deleting MY wynona riders account).
Anyways, one of the fun pastimes in those early days of friendster, aside from finding friends that didn't bother to alert you to their networks, was writing testimonials for people you didn't know at all. That was fun. I'd read a person's profile, and I would just riff. Most people would accept my craziness, add the testimonial, and add me as a "friendster". Here are a few I could find:
"Whoo-oop! bow your neck and spread, for the kingdom of Umlaut's a-coming! Vikings row to the beat of their thunder. They are the OG havoc wreckers, stand down! Whoop! Don't try to listen to them with a naked ear; record them from a distance, from inside a soundproof bunker, and when you play the tape back, set the volume to 1, because yer still a-gonna blow the speakers! Corral your moose, because they will stampede, believe! They rinse their socks with the North Atlantic, stir their martini on the rocks with GLACIERS, and have THOR HIMSELF blacksmith their Iron Horses! Loki's been "punk'd" by them, hell, Adam Kutcher's been "punk'd" by them! They touch the heavens to wipe their BOOGERS on them, they plough the earth just to give Gaia pleasure, yeehaw! They don't give a fuck; THEY TAKE YOURS! They smoke the Black Forest for a buzz, they whittle down the fjords TO FILE THEIR NAILS! Baron von Münchhausen drops his jaw in numb awe. Whoo-oop! bow your neck and spread, for the kingdom of Umlaut's a-coming!"
When we were kids, Tape and I used to make rock computers while listening to Soul Coughing and drinking OK Soda. I think we used few cans in making our rock computers, because we were both fans of Ghost World, and we were almost going to call them OK computers. It was all part of our plan for the same thing we did every night, try to take over the world. Douglas Adams sent us a few statistic programs to try out on our new OS, but unfortunately he sent them on 7-inch floppies, and at the time were were using rusty pinballs as our storage medium. Sometimes we'd take a break and watch tron, or get on our huffys and go down to the church parking lot and pretend we were on lightcycles, or play basketball, using the trash cans as our hoops. We always brought a polaroid around to document our adventures. I was the first one Tape gave a ride to high school in his bitchin' Camry. Then I got called off to the Gulf War (the first one) and tape said he "Found 'BOB'" or something, and moved to Waco, and we lost touch. THANK YOU FRIENDSTER.COM!
Otter Pops will catch you off guard. Sometimes you could be out with him having a late lunch at Noho Star, and you'll think he's being all sarcastic and all, not paying attention to a thing you're saying, then all of a sudden he'll come on so sweet and considerate, asking real questions about those things you thought he wasn't paying attention to, and you'll forget why you were mad at him. Other times, he'll say "I'm bored", like he's gonna stay in for the night, then the next thing you know you and Otter Pops (all six of him) and a score of characters straight out of a Fellini movie are on a pot-smoke-filled Acela Express car to Providence, heading for a seven-nation rave! Nevermind that he has the coolest DVD collection on the planet, and Spike Lee is his landlord. If only'd they'd bring back Lili Lemonade!
Small Ketchup Bottle used to be Small Catsup Jar, and was introduced to me as "Blessed relief for Mother and the other women in the household!" Mother was relieved at first, as the other boarders were late night carousers and tended to come home drunk. SKBottle instead would sit politely in the icebox and not bother anyone unless they needed some flavoring on their knockwurst. Turns out this was all a facade, as SKBottle apparently had a lot bottled inside him, and over the duration of his stay with us he started cozying up to the six-pack of St. Paul's Ale and leaving the vegetable crisper drawer in a general state of dissarray.
I met Susan at a "Day in the Dirt" back in the Day. Most of us were up on the concrete bleachers, since the sand at Aquatic Park wasn't really "dirt". My friends disappeared with some dudes with mohawks, and I was there pretty much by myself, The Minutemen started playing "Party with Me Punker" and from out of nowhere Susan, in a black joan jett t-shirt and plaid golfer's pants, picked me up and threw me into the mosh pit, where I proceeded to get my ass kicked by a phalanx of skins and neo-mods, and D. Boon nearly stage-dived on my head. Afterwards, as I picked myself up, she came up to me and giggled "ha ha ha, wasn't that fun?" as she poured the rest of her beer all over me. Then she showed me all the polaroids she took of me getting ganked in the pit. Talk about an introduction! I wanted to kill her, but instead she offered to drive me home in her beat-up nova, since my "real" friends ditched me, and on the way we stopped at the Serramonte Cinemaplex, supposedly to see "The Breakfast Club", but then Susan convinced me to also sneak into to several other movies, which probably explains her netflix problems. We didn't get back to my house until it was late and we were both good and drunk,and for about four months after that we were inseparable, biking around the city and making little kids dance for us, but then she got accepted into a graduate school on the east coast, and I finally made it to Japan...
Shaun doesn't usually like me telling people I used to babysit him, if only because he shows he can take care of him self, and since we bike regularly to Coyote Hills. He also doesn't like me telling people I also taught him how to drive, taking him to the Southland Mall parking lot and just letting him go around in circles.
Sergio sure likes his dancing beer. And he always knows just the right amount of salt to put on edamame.He was made for EleCtroClank, or eLEctrocLank was made for him, I'm not sure which yet. We will ignore the mullethead period since he has gotten his hair under control now. The man is Texas, so don't mess with him!
When Mylisa and I used to practice our Tai Chi at Embarcadero Plaza, most people walking by would be all "wut th' fuk?", and I'd start giggling and lose my pose, but Mylisa was able to keep a serene face while flowing into "Pouncing Dragon". And then, just when you thought the routine was over, she'd break out into "Tomorrow" from Annie and turn the whole place into her own damn musical... she always seems to know where the next flash mob is going to be(and somehow always has the right props), she always asks for the cup of crayons at Mel's Diner, she always knows the answer to "What's that song that goes-", and she's always an encouraging friend to those in need. You can't front on that!
I was the new kid in school, which is very difficult when you're eight years old and in a military family moving all over the country almost every year. I was kind of shy, and what's worse, it was valentine's day, so all the other kids were busy exchanging valentines. Since none of them knew me, I didn't get any. This mean bully started picking on me, how I had no friends, and he was starting to get his little posse of eight-year old thugs to taunt me too. Well, Ashley was a few desks away, and she starts folding a piece of pink construction paper, and cutting out a shape, and writing something in it, and stuffing it into one of the discarded envelopes she had. The she walked up to my desk and handed it to me. It turned out to be a cut-out heart with a little poem she penned herself "New Kid in Town/I Think Your(sic) Fine/Will You Be My/Valentine?" You could tell from the way all the other kids laid off me, that they all thought was the coolest thing in town. I must have been beaming for the rest of class. True to form, she also got her older brother to beat up the bully after school. Lucky for me, my mother finally left the service and we settled in. Over the years we've had lots of adventures and gotten into lots of trouble. She was the one who started me smoking pot in high school, which kinda ruined my grades, but I forgive her since she's made it up to me many times over. Ashley has the widest tastes in music of anyone I know. She makes these cool mix tapes for when we just drive around Austin in the car, saying they would make a great soundtrack for our getaway when we finally rob the dairy queen ("Property is Theft!" she claims) The latest "hit" from queens of the stone age was on one months before mtv2 started showing the videos, and she always manages to know how to sneak into the right SXSW showcases... Rumor has it she was the one who convinced Matthew McConaughey that bongos sound better when you're naked!
AND SCENE!
Annoying, friendster didn't want anyone to have any fun, and I got tired of re-registering my fakester account, so I "surrendered" with the following:
"Well, maybe it's like Casey says: A friendster ain't got duct tape of his/her own, just a piece of a big roll of duct tape, the one big roll of duct tape that belongs to everybody.
And then it don't matter, I'll be around. In the dark. I'll be everywhere.
Wherever you can look. Whenever there's a band where the bassist forgot her guitar strap, I'll be there. Whenever there's an old lawn chair taking a beating, I'll be there. I'll be in the way guys yell when they're looking for something to fix the drain pipe, and I'll be in the way kids laugh when they're bored and they know they can spread elmer's glue all over their hands and then peel it off like a cool spy glove or some shit.
And when people are eaten' stuff they found in a dumpster, and livin' in the houses they build with cardboard, I'll be there, too!!!"
I also had a meek attempt at making a new musical genre called either electroclank or electroclunk, but you will have to read about that later