WEEKEND UPDATE!
JIMMY FALLON: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Jimmy Fallon-
TINA FEY: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories:
FEY: Secretary of State Colin Powell arrived in Israel this weekend, meeting with both sides of the Palestinian Conflict in an effort to bring an end to the crisis. Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon called the effort promising and bulldozed three Palestinian refugee camps , while PLO leader Yassir Arafat praised Powell’s words as "a step in the right direction" and blew up seven car bombs in Jewish settlements.
FALLON: The United States Department of the Interior approved plans to begin oil drilling in the Artic National Wildlife Refuge. Explaining his decision to angry environmentalists, President Bush said that it was important for America to decrease its need for foreign oil, but then had to excuse himself, as he was running late for a cabinet meeting for his upcoming invasion of Iraq.
FEY: Amnesty International USA reported last week that up to 150 suspected torturers from around the world are now living in the United States. In one case an Ethiopian man was granted US citizenship even after being convicted in Federal Court for torture, and three others were hired as consultants on NBC's "Fear Factor".
[As the CAMERA starts to pull away, FEY mouths "that's Mondays at 8, right here on NBC"]
FALLON: The Securities and Exchange Commission, widening its probe of alleged accounting fraud at the Xerox Corporation, has informed two former executives that it may soon file civil charges against them. The executives responded by sending the SEC five hundred photocopies of their asses.
[FALLON pauses, turns to the other CAMERA]
FALLON: In our increasingly complex world, The ever-changing landscape of the news can sometimes be hard to follow. Here to shed some light on these matters is our own- Jimmy Fallon...
[A confused look plays across his face]
FALLON: Wait a minute... Tina, I think you were supposed to read that...
[CUT TO-- FEY is doing her nails, and she brushes FALLON away with her drying hand while mumbling tones of dismissal]
FEY: Iduh yuh mmm ...
[She goes back to painting her nails]
CAMERA cuts back to FALLON, who looks lost...
The AUDIENCE reacts to someone off camera; FALLON turns to find SURPRISE GUEST ADAM SANDLER mimicking him, sporting a disheveled mop of hair, red tee shirt and black windbreaker, guitar in hand.
SANDLER: Thank you, thank you Mr. Newsguy. Thank you [to the audience] thanks. The recent events occurring across the world may be, they may be a little overwhelming and hard to put in perspective, so I thought maybe by putting some of those headlines into current popular songs, they might be easier to understand ...
[ He shows the audience his guitar, and starts playing the riff from LAST NIGHT by the STROKES]
SANDLER (sings):
Last night ,Sharon said
I'll withdraw the troops
If you kids get off my stoop
So Powell, he came around
He said stop this war
It can’t go on no more
Because George Bush, he don't understand
And the UN just don't understand
And Arafat, he ain't ever gonna understand
And no one is ever gonna understand
The Middle East
[He stops cold]
SANDLER: Also in the news... thank you; also in the news, the Roman Catholic Church is being rocked amid alligators... oops, I'm sorry, I flubbed the line [shoots a quick sly look to FALLON], amid allegations of child sexual abuse...
[He starts to play the LAST NIGHT riff again]
SANDLER(sings):
Last night, the cardinal said
We'll make it all right, we'll release our reports
We’ll stop diddling the altar boys
But the DA, he came around
He said this for sure
The cardinals out that door
Because the church just wants to wash its hands;
And the media is lining up its vans;
the district attorney, those records he demands
And little boys they can't understand
Where Father Thomson wants to put his hands
[He stops cold again]
SANDLER: yeah, I know I know, thanks... also, you may have heard about all these recent advances in biotechnology...
[He starts to play the LAST NIGHT riff yet again]
FALLON: wait a minute, stop; you just keep playing the same riff with different words...
SANDLER: Huh, I... what? I suppose you think you could do better?
[FALLON pulls out a guitar from behind the desk]
FALLON: I just might be able to !
[The AUDIENCE whoops it up, ready for COMEDY MAGIC]
FALLON starts playing the opening riff to Temple of the Dog’s HUNGER STRIKE
FALLON: (singing as Chris Cornell)
I don’t mind being cloned
It‘s the one thing that keeps me from feeling alone...
But I can’t take my exercise pill
When Enron cannot pay the bills
SANDLER (as Eddie Vedder)
buzit ahwan th’ abel
anduh Rawkis Cooking
--I’m growing hungry
FALLON (in echo) : I’m going hungry!
SANDLER: I’m going hungry!
[this goes on ad nauseum for comic effect until...]
FEY: okay, calm down boys.
[The two grown men look sheepishly at each other, and then SANDLER scoots away]
FEY: The Food and Drug Administration... yeah, that was Adam Sandler, ladies and gentlemen, Adam Sandler... The Food and Drug Administration issued a ban on the sale of nicotine-laced lollipops and lip balm Wednesday, voicing concern that children may mistake them for regular candy. However, still allowed to stay on the market, nicotine chocolate bunnies and Pokemon cigarettes...
[FEY mouths "those can stay" and give a thumbs up]
FALLON: Supernova signatures can be seen in the afterglow of gamma-ray bursts, according to a paper released in the science journal Nature this week. Researchers at University of Leicester observed the afterglow of GRB011211, which contained traces of magnesium, silicon, sulfur, argon ... and they kind of lost us by the third page...
[FALLON pantomimes a big-ass yawn]
FEY: Responding to President Bush’s call for a ban on human cloning, a group of bipartisan senators announced legislation, backed by a group of 40 Nobel laureates, that would allow cloning solely for purposes of medical research. Meanwhile, Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner backed legislation that would allow cloning solely for purposes of 3 AM booty calls. (under breath while CAMERA switches to FALLON) He wants to clone lots of beautiful women...
FALLON: Fans of the epic Star Wars saga have started lining up outside Grauman's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood for the latest installment, Episode 2 Attack of the Clones, [at least one whoop from the audience] alright, which will not be opening in theatres until May 16, [pause for the audience to bask in the ridiculousness of the very idea] to which one observer responded... to which one observer responded ...
CUT TO: SECRET GUEST STAR WILLIAM SHATNER: Why don't you people --- get a life?!
FALLON (in that kind of as an afterthought sort of way): William Shatner, ladies and gentlemen, William Shatner.
FEY (faux adlib): Where did he come from?
FALLON (faux adlib): He must have just beamed in... Priceline was having a special...
FEY: Anyway, a San Francisco judge made a drug felon sentence himself in court last Thursday. Declaring "This is your life - and you are your own judge," he had the man put on a spare set of judge robes and lecture himself. No, it’s true... The man sentenced himself to six months in county jail! Afterwards, the judge put on the offender’s FILA sweats and rolled himself a big fatty *
*ALTERNATIVE PUNCHLINE- Later, the man legalized marijuana possession in California and overturned his own conviction...
FALLON: a new pill that can instantly build muscles has been successfully tested on mice by researchers at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center in Dallas. In a related story, Pinky and the Brain issued a press release announcing their plans tomorrow night to take over the world, with the help of a super-rodent army (pause) Snarf!
FEY: The US patent office has granted a patent to the "The Motionless Magnetic Generator" a device with no moving parts that promises an endless stream of free energy. Even more amazing than the promise of free energy is the fact that the product doesn't work. [FEY mouths "it doesn’t work" and shakes her head]
FALLON: General Electric make you say that?
[FEY shakes her head and laughs]
FEY: During a conference of journalists, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said he never feels any need to lie to the news media, even if he is not completely forthcoming. "There's no question but that I don't answer things I don't want to answer," Rumsfeld said at the annual conference of the American Society of Newspaper Editors. He then proceeded to produce a make-believe key and pretend to lock his lips.
[For Dramatic Effect, Ms. FEY produces a make-believe key and pretends to lock her lips]
FALLON: With that, for Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon
FEY: And I’m Tina Fey; Good Luck and have a Pleasant Tomorrow.