TREEHUGGER- mr. hank storm

SCENE: TREEHUGGING WOMAN is hugging a tree in the forest.

TREEHUGGING WOMAN- Oh, Tree, noble guardian of the forest, I embrace your steadfast grandeur

[Suddenly, two LUMBERJACKS appear, looking for trouble]

LUMBERJACK #1- Well well well, what do we have here?

LUMBERJACK #2- Looks like we got ourselves a treehugger!

[the TREEHUGGING WOMAN backs away]

LUMBERJACK #2- And this fine specimen

[They look the tree up and down]

LUMBERJACK #2- Looks like a pine

LUMBERJACK #1- Or some other breed of SOFTwood

TREEHUGGING WOMAN- It's a Douglas Fir, and it's well over two hundred years old!

LUMBERJACK #1- Well, Doug, old man, you must be pret-ty proud of yourself

TREEHUGGING WOMAN- You leave him alone! He's not doing anything!

LUMBERJACK #1- Yeah, I'll bet he isn't. Old Doug's just standing tall, acting like the Big Man, mister numero uno

[The LUMBERJACKS circle the tree]

LUMBERJACK #2- Looks like your boyfriend's too much of a chicken to say anything

TREEHUGGING WOMAN- (to tree) you think we're boyfriend and girlfriend?

[She turns bashful]

LUMBERJACK #2- (to tree) Isn't it enough that you take up thousands of acres better suited for tract housing and strip malls, but then you have to go start taking our women?!

[The Tree just stands there]

LUMBERJACK #1- Oh, tough guy, huh?

[LUMBERJACK #1 pulls out an axe]

LUMBERJACK #1- Ah hah! This axe don't make him so tough now, does it? Come on, tree, what do you have to say for yourself?! Eh, Doug?

[The TREEHUGGING WOMAN courageously puts herself between axe and tree]

TREEHUGGING WOMAN- Stop it! I love him, uh, her, um, it, this tree.  I love ALL the trees of this forest. I love every living creature in it-

LUMBERJACK #2- Boy, she really gets around

LUMBERJACK #1- Shameless Hussy! Outta my way!

[He pushes the TREEHUGGING WOMAN aside]

LUMBERJACK #1- Come on, tree, come on!

[LUMBERJACK #2 looks around, and gets a worried look on his face]

LUMBERJACK #2- Tommy...

LUMBERJACK #1- I'll break you off a piece of something fierce!

LUMBERJACK #2- Tommy, look man, maybe we should just cool it. I just noticed all these other trees standing around here.  They might try to gang up on us.

[LUMBERJACK #1 looks around, notices all the trees, and backs down]

LUMBERJACK #1- You're lucky, Doug, thank your friends.

[The LUMBERJACKS start walking away]

LUMBERJACK #1- But I'll be back, tree, you haven't seen the last of me!

[The LUMBERJACKS exit]

[The TREEHUGGING WOMAN and tree are alone again. She embraces the tree]

TREEHUGGING WOMAN- Oh, tree!

©2003 Ron Greer